The best way to a man’s heart his thru his stomach..This is a fact most pretty ladies has failed to accept..No matter how pretty you are, your relevance in your kitchen determines how long you would keep your Man..Listen, my story is quite funny, promise you won’t laugh..cooking wasn’t one of my top priority, yes..it was a waste of time to me..my family is well to do, lots of money to squander..I was the top in my school gang, and I graduated with a first class as a medical student..I met Wilson..the dream guy I dated for four years, we were so in love, trust me in serious love! My parents wouldn’t accept him at first but my stubborn self wouldn’t allow such, both families had to accept by fire by force..Finally we got married..What a bliss! But the second week after our blissful honey moon..I needed to face my worst nightmare..The kitchen! I had succeeded in fooling Wilson for over four years..making sure the maids do the cooking while I take the credit..
but nemesis had caught up with me..As I stared at the empty pots, I contemplated on the best excuse I could possibly give to save my ass..sadly there was none..And so i made a disaster that landed my husband in an hospital bed for weeks..not my fault though.. just that back home I always noticed the maids put Maggi cubes into every food and the way they tasted it..it really looked like Maggi cubes were the magic, Don’t laugh but I added 7 Maggi cubes to a grated tomatoes all in the name of preparing stew..Wilson loved me to the extent he took poison right into his stomach..It was decided then..the family concluded I wanted their son dead..And so my marriage, well planned for good four years, ended within a week!
All my plea fell on deaf ears..I begged for a chance to learn how to cook..but even Wilson surprisingly paid a deaf ear..and within a week my mother in-law had danced in with one village tattered girl”My son, this one will cook for you well, she is the daughter of chief Amadi, I hope you remember him”I watched with tears welled up in my eyes..Wilson had even served me a divorce without even thinking about it..I had no choice left, I took my bags and went back to my parents, all my friends couldn’t help but laugh at me..Flora my Boston friend remained but still, at some instance she still took time to laugh when I cried my eyes out again and again..it didn’t make sense to me, so just because I can’t cook Wilson ended our marriage”But you almost killed him nah”Flora always reminded me whenever I tried to place the blame on Wilson..eh, I can’t blame him but at least he should have given me a chance..
Now, I made a decision one morning, I needed to prove to Wilson that I can actually cook..I resigned from my job as a medical doctor and announced to my family one evening that I want to be a cook..In fact I had enrolled for an academy where they train and specialize on foods preparation and designs..They all laughed and concluded i was running mad because of my recent divorce..so I decided to shock their livers when I packed my stuff announcing again that I had been admitted to the academy already..
I wrote love out of my dictionary..I have to prove to them all that I wasn’t a failure..Although, sometimes I wondered if what I was doing was right, but then I couldn’t think of anything else..this is were my mind leads..Am sure it wouldn’t be much trouble..or so I thought..My dear readers, Just call me Nadia..you’ll get to know my full name later on, For now..let’s travel this adventure together..
Just a taste
My mum was the first to confirm if I had not taken some kind of intoxicating drugs to knock me off my senses. She quickly drew me aside and snatched my well packed bags, we stood staring at each other for couple of minutes before she made the first attempt and spoke out, You know that awkward moment when someone is trying to understand if he or she is not attending to a mental patient
“Nadia are you OK? Are you having any mental… You know, issues?”
I attempted to say something but she continued
“It’s just a divorce Nadia, it’s not the end of life, or are you planning to run mad because of this?..not that I really liked that Wilson”
I took my time, used lots of grammar to try and convince her, but it wasn’t working..
Next she consulted my father and brother to see into the issue, I wasn’t making headways… So finally, I lied that I was just trying to pull their legs. I understood their point anyway, how can a medical doctor just wake up one morning and abandon such a professional career to become a cook? Like who does that?
So I just lied that I was going to spend a month with Flora, just to clear my head a little
After much persuasion, they allowed me leave the house.. I was metres away from Benin City to Lagos when the lie expired
“Nadia where are you for God’s sake?”
My mother voice rang in my ears
“on my way to Lagos mum”
I heard her scream, the line went off, I am sure it must have fallen from her hands..I quickly switched off my phone, because I was sure next would be my Dad and my brother, then my Uncle…In fact, the whole extended family, trying to talk Nadia out of this, but I was certain and my mind was made up
“I love you sweetie”
The girl beside me caught my attention.. She was on a phone call, I was guessing it would be her lover, or husband. I remembered that was the last words I told Wilson before he ate my poison..
Well don’t blame me, but for that singular reason I hated the girl to the extent I felt like pulling her tongue from her throat, I couldn’t help it
She ended the call and caught me staring at her like a wounded lion..
she was startled that her phone initially fell from her hands
“Hello, good afternoon”
She greeted nervously, and adjusted her sitting position, a little farther from me…She made sure her cornered eyes never left my position, just in case I decided to strike..
The bus stopped suddenly, What was going on?
“Driver wetin happen nah..?”
“Which kind wahala be this self?”
The passengers shouted at the driver until he couldn’t bear it, he screamed back
“No be the motor I dey try do so?! Abeg una go come down make we push am small”
Chai! I bit my finger, because of my mum’s suspicions I decided to leave my car behind..God why now? Why did you lead me to this kind of public transport?
“Madam abeg come down make we push dis thing, no dey form ajebo for here”
One of the dark huge passenger lashed at me..I dare not reply, his baritone and his size intimidated me already, I just simply came down and acted like I pushed with all my strength
“Madam push dis thing, you no dey push anything, you think say nah you AC car you dey?”
Same man again, what was is issue with me?
I opened my mouth again, but his muscular arms made me swallow my saliva with the words I had, down my throat. I needed to think, I had no back up, my family was not even in support of my journey, so lemme just mind my business and condole the rubbish
The Bus started, hallelujah! Only to break down four more times before we got to Lagos..
I was seriously stressed out, I equally found it difficult to locate the place till late in the evening..
It was boldly written
Wow, my name sake!
My face beamed with smiles, the house was transparent, I could see lots of people with bags just like myself, going to and fro… I could spot some cooks on their costumes, some other persons on suit… I guess those would be the supervisors.. Without wasting much time I hurried in.. I could see almost everyone going into a particular sector, and after few minutes, they come out with toothpicks, some with well packed food..
Thank goodness, I was starving..I quickly searched thru my pause and hurried in.. I had to gasp at the sight…It was exquisite, the counter was crystal built, the food selection was arrayed on a tray that was on rotation..I hurried there to notice the person in charge screwing thru her phone..
It took her few minutes to raise her head to listen to me..’I no blame am’
“Just take your pick, it free for new interns”
Her words sent my stomach ablaze, you know how Nigerians react to that slogan
“FOC (FREE OF CHARGE)
Without wasting time, I filled my plate with a combination of different type of food I have never had in my life, despite my extravagant life..I made sure it was stocked with meats of different kind..
Chicken suya wrap, toasted turkey, toasted snail and fried chicken
I noticed people giving me that look, but I didn’t care..I dived into my food and ate every last crumb..
When I was certain my stomach couldn’t take more I tried my best and pulled myself up..
Metres away I heard the announcement
” All new interns report to the Hall”
I quickly joined the crowd and hurried there..
A woman on suit was standing on a podium, with a microphone attached to it… I could tell she wore a very expensive Cologne judging from the way she stood with pride in her eyes..who is she self, the president’s wife?
We settled down on the seats provided, despite the crowd, we all fitted into the Hall, with lots of space left to cover
“I welcome you all to Serena foodies, I believe you all came here with one goal in mind; which is to become a professional cook…”
Her words slowly went faint in my ears..my stomach was trying to have revenge on me, I had eaten way too much…
I seriously needed to gas out, and I was 100% sure that it would create a massive confusion..I shut my eyes and tried to notice who sat beside me
Gosh!S Both sides where cute, handsome guys..I broke out in sweat, the more I tightened my ass to push it in, the more it came back in full force..
I used my jotter to try and breeze my tummy, it wouldn’t listen still..The guy on my left side had to look at me to ask
“Are you OK miss?”
At first I was shocked, but I quickly forced that smile
“Yes I am..I am..why wouldn’t I be?”
I replied nervously
He laughed..’God who send am’ cos the moment I tried to force the laughter..my worst nightmare escaped from my ass, and exploded into the atmosphere..
DANIEL: Hey there! Come on now, don’t tell me you were expecting this story to be written based on just Nadia’s view, I am a part of it too..And just so you know, I am the guy who sat on her right hand side, and equally the guy who was the first to be blast by her thunderous fart. I should have minded my own business, till today she blamed me for making her laugh nervously. Was it my fault? I was just trying to help
Ok let me explain how I got into the picture. My father died when I was just 8 years old. I was extremely devastated, not just for his death but because there was no one to defend mynonchalant attitude. I was left with my strict mum. The family has succeeded in setting up a massive plaza where both the whites and the blacks patronizes.It was a company inherited from generation to generation. And luckily I was the only son, so without much deliberation I knew I was next in line.
There is just one fact, I hate cooking. I believe it’s a job for the women, come on! Am a man for God’s sake! But my mumwouldn’t agree”How can you tell if a food tastes well if you cant cook?”She always ask me when I try to defend my rightAnd so she enrolled me in “SERENA FOODIES” with a strict warning to keep my identity hidden from the public eye. No one must find out that I am the Son of The Kayode’s Kitchen else I would be given special treatment.I have my own plans though; there is no way I would stay in the dunk house for long. I miss my friends. I miss the clubbing, the beer and the girls..
I am not ready to be a man yet, but that woman wouldn’t listen!And then I saw Nadia approaching the Hall, God! She was a beauty to behold. A tall sexy Damsel, her lips were full and juicy, her hips were so visible as she hurried into the Hall..she was so well shaped, with this her American pointed nose..InstantlyI swore to have her on my bed before I make my plans to escape from this prison. Just that I never imagined that she would blast me with that fart. Seriously, I need to confess.. For a minute or two there I couldn’t remember my present position. The stench could tell that she had eaten way too much. Just as I was about to scream with the crowd, a thought came to my mind.NADIA: You know that awkward moment when you feel like vanishing into thin air, I shut my eyes and just wished I would melt like ice. Immediately the devil broke free from my ass, it didn’t even hesitate, it went to work immediately..
First it overtook the center roll, and then the left to almost thevery end. A Slow uproar was created, with different complains”Who did this now? Gosh!”The ajebo girls”Wetin be dis, who mess here”The ajekpako ones..The woman on the podium had to complain when she noticed the attention of the Hall was being divided, until the devil got to her, and made her confused.. She left the podiumand promised to be back in a few minutes
Curses arises from different angles”Na God go punish that person, e yansh go block”Silently in my mind I was just pleading ‘God forbid’I had actually thought no one except the guy on my right knew I was the one who actually originated the confusion. Until the guy on my left planned to expose me”Why did you do this, even with all the beauty you can still disgrace yourself like this”On a normal ground, I would have slapped a tooth of his mouth, but I was guilty as charged, I refused to open my eyesand he was just about to expose me when the guy on my right tapped him and extended a bundle of cash to keep him quiet..
with my head still bowed I turned to spy at him..he had a smile on his face, just by a look I knew this one was a total pervert”Hi, I am Daniel.. And I just saved your ass”That’s great, but was I supposed to say Thank you?
NADIA continues: The day I would never forget in my entire life..I gently slit my hand into my purse and handed a bundle of cash back to him”Thanks, you can keep the change”I forced it into his hands when he hesitated, smiling mischievouslyBefore he made another attempt, the woman on suit reappearedOf course what she had to say was paramount, so all attention turned to her.. I still noticed Daniel with my cornered eyes, he had his eyes on me.. Maybe he thinks I am one gullible girl he can cajole just like that”You would be given a ticket at the exit of this Hall which would carry your room number, find your room and prepare for tomorrow”Immediately she left the podium I jumped up and hurried thinking that Daniel was behind me, surprisingly he wasn’t..whoa, what a relief
I quickly picked my ticket and tried to locate my room..You won’t believe that I had to drag my bags to the third floor, I was sweating profusely, breathing so hard and finally when I got to the room, it was open..At first, I dropped my bags and peeped in to make sure I was not walking into a dead trap..before I carefully entered..”Hey!”My heart left my chest, I almost lost my balance in shock onlyto later discover it was the girl I had wanted to slit her throat on my journey to Lagos”We meet again!”Shit! No one told me I was going to have a roommate..she didn’t seem scared of me this time..I sighed, I really loved my privacy and a quiet environment to think
But just one look at this girl, I could tell she was a very talented talkative..God why?And I was right, she kept on blabbing about heaven and earthFirst she asked why I gave her that malicious look on our journey to the academy”oooohhh..you have no idea”I thought in my mind and settled on my bed..Thoughts of that Daniel flooded my mind again..God what an embarrassment, only the ladies would really understand..if only my tummy cooperated with me, I wouldnt have to face such an embarrassment..I just tried not to think of it..I didn’t even know if I would ever be able to face that guy again”Young woman, I gave you that look cos at that moment I feltlike killing someone..and don’t you underestimate me when itcomes to murder”I warned my roommate, when she wouldn’t stop pestering me and it worked the magic, instantly she became quiet and ran to her bed..Thank goodness.. that night, lots of thought disturbed my sleep..Wilson, how could he? I imagined how he could even stay without calling to say Hi.. How that dirty girl would be all over him now..and then my family, they must be searching all over for me..do they still think am running mad.
Well as normal I slept by 1pm, after chatting and watching lots of videos on my phone.. My dear readers, that was the worst decision I had ever made in my entire life”Up! Up! Rise and shine!”I couldn’t see clearly till a pail of water was splashed on me..It was 4am! What are we rising for nah? To shine where?! Where is the sun?”What’s going on here?! It’s just 4am for God’s sake!”I lamented at the lady on a styled one buttoned suit and an high heel..who is she self?”Slap yourself”It was like my ears stood at attention”Excuse me? You emptied a pail of water on me, disturbed me from my Precious sleep! And now I should slap myself? You must be mad”All this while, as I ranted in anger, she didn’t say a word..and my common sense didn’t smote me..until she pressed a button on my doorpost and spoke to it”Security, someone just got expelled”Jesus! Her words gained weight in my ears.. I fell to my knees immediately.. It was very cold but at that moment, perspiration appeared on my forehead..expelled? God no..I pleaded my eyes out, it was then I noticed my roommate wasn’t even in the room..
After much pleading, she sent the security back and ordered me to follow her..without hesitating I changed into my shorts and white polo as she instructed and ran after her..”What can you confidently cook?”A question the lady who was introduced as our supervisor asked everyone of us..it was one small girl, I knew I should even be her elder..i was confident about it..We were divided into groups, floor by floor..I was in the third floor, and the academy had six floors in total..
You can imagine, of all the six floors, that Daniel had to be in the same third floor..”You, want can you confidently cook?”The question startled me a bit, I was busy checking Daniel out as he threw winks at me..I noticed no one actually admitted they couldn’t cook anything.. And I didn’t want to bethe firstEveryone had picked one or two food they could confidently prepare.. So to look the best I blew the lie with confidence”I can prepare..anything”Daniel alone burst out laughing.. That stupid boy, what was wrong with him”Madam know it all, why not cook something for us!”He raised the suggestion..anddespite my inner prayers to cast and bind the idea, the supervisor bought it”I am Brenda, your supervisor, I would be listing lots of African dishes we would practice for the week..but before then, Madam Nadia, who can cook anything, will prepare a fruit salad for us”
DANIEL: I know some people might wonder if this wasn’t the same girl I had plans to woo to my bed.. Yes, it’s the same girl.. But my mission doubled when she made me feel like an infidel back in the hall.. I saved her from a big disgrace, a simple ‘Thank you’ I did not get, instead she shoved it right back at my face..For that she must pay.
First I would make sure I frustrate all her efforts, and then finalise it when I have her on my bed.And so we all watched her as she looked around for a clean pot and was about to lit the gas to prepare a bowl of fruit salad! Hahahahahaha fruit salad, she was actually gonna cook it?NADIA: Ok guys, remember when I started this story, I urged you all to promise me not to laugh, even if it’s quite funny..
Now imagine yourself asked to do what you don’t even have a glimpse of..just because of your ‘oversabi’I was dangling with both pots and frying pans..The Hall we assembled was equipped with all cooking utensils and a cooking gas.I could hear giggles from behind me when I lit the gas to put a pot of water on it”She is actually gonna cook us a bowl of fruit salad”Brenda said as everyone burst out laughing, like they had been holding it in for longWhat wrong? I was going to cook of course, I was perfectly sure when I was done, they would all be hospitalized.”Nadia, you don’t cook a fruit salad, you prepare it”I really didn’t understand still, until she gathered lots of fruits and carefully sliced them into a bowl”This is a fruit salad, a simple mixture of sliced fruits..quite different from the normal vegetable salad you know right?”
I wasn’t paying attention, my red eyes where on Daniel, when he chose not to keep his mouth shut”So much for the madam who can cook anything”he saidThey all laughed again..I chuckled, If only Daniel knew Nadia..the top in her gang back in school..there is no mischievous act I can’t perform.. I was gonna make him pay”Get your jotter ready..We have lots of African dishes..but I would be listing 3 we would practice for the week..first is-Hawawshi: its a food eaten in EgyptIt is meat minced and spiced with onions and pepper, parsleyand sometimes hot pepper and chillies..placed between twocircular layers of dough, then baked in the oven-Funkaso: A dish from NigeriaIt is a dish of millet pancakes, containing millet, butter and sugar..best eaten with a cup of tea-Banga soup, widely eaten in Nigeria and cameroun ..it’s a soup made from palm nuts and it’s primarily eaten in the southern and mid western”©onyeneke AbelI wasn’t really paying attention, in fact I was getting bored with the whole talk, let’s just get to the practical stuffShe pursed and made sure she had our attention before she continued”Now I want you all to pay absolute attention, because at every end of the week, there is an inter group challenge, and these foods am gonna teach, any of you might be chosen to prepare it”As soon as my ear picked that, it stood in full attention..What if they now decide to pick me.. ‘Hmm, I reject it in Jesusname”After Brenda had finished all her boring lessons..we were given a break that would last for two hours..Immediately I heard that I stood up, hurried and quickly caught up with Daniel
”Hey, Daniel..”He stopped, and I could see how his expression brightened, he was actually smiling..”It seems I have offended you, please am sorry”He was about to say something but I was quick to hug him..When I was done with my mission I attempted to let go but he held me still, sniffing my neck like how those Calabar dogssniff expired bones..His grip was becoming too tight, perhaps too passionate..Before eyes begin to linger on us I pinched his arm and got myself free’Stupid boy, you want to tap current you did not pay for’I said in my mind, but as normal now, I smiled at him”I will be going now”I said and made sure he turned to go before I called out”Hey Daniel, your shorts is torn o, I can see your ass from overhere!”He was shocked”What?!”He grabbed his butt to discover his trousers had been torn open..Not just our group now, but everyone who were in our floor could see this..they laughed their bellies off, some even took pictures and videos as he ran offI had snatched a blade from my talkative roommate and gently put the big line down his trousers.. The guy was not even on boxers, bad for him..Hahahahahaha, perfect for me!